Shark Night 3D

(2011) **

Country gal Sara, wants to show her city classmates what small town life has to offer. Rounding up 6 of her bestest friends she takes them to her family’s sprawling remote lake house for a weekend of debauchery. Cell phones don’t work, of course. The gang have a great old time drinking, boating, and having sex (I made up the last part, there is NO sex or boobs in this movie) but things take a sudden turn for the worse when football hunk, Malik, gets his fucking arm torn off by an enormous shark while waterskiing (!). A shark, in a lake, you ask? Yes, a shark in a lake. We are informed that it is a salt water lake, silly goose. As Malik clings to life the classmates try to figure out a way to get him to safety and the only solution appears to be by boat. Adding to their troubles are Sara’s former, shady, hillbilly friends who seem to delight in the gang’s predicament. We eventually learn that the hillbillies have stocked the lake with many different breeds of shark in order to film people being eaten for a “Faces of Death” like movie they are preparing for a web show (I’d watch it).


Enjoy them, boys, because this top never comes off

Shark Night 3D is just so…dumb. The hillbillies are as stereotyped as they come (one is even named “Red”) and the college kids are a bland mix of interchangeable actors. The director attempts to crow bar in some “romance” between the characters but you won’t care because soon most of them will be chum anyway. The PG13 rating guarantees no boobs or gore so the entire fare ends up being a big tease. Even with padding the entire film is only 1:17 minutes long.