Header

(2006) *1/2

I was intrigued by the Netflix description of this film. It says, “a nightmarish string of grisly murders involving deranged rednecks, deviant sex and the most disturbing act of vengeance ever imagined: the header.” So I popped it in my queue because I just had to know what “the header” was. In the spirit of torture and depravity, I popped this into my dvr, knowing full well, I was most likely “taking another one for the team”. Now I know that I’ve watched some sick shit, I also can say that I have no issue watching sick shit as long as I know it’s fake. The actual film gore rarely gets to me, it’s the content I have issue with. The people who actually thought this up and said to themselves, “Wow, what a great idea! Think I’ll put this in a movie!” That is the one reason I sometimes lose sleep after watching one of these flicks.

That said, Header centers around the crappiest redneck, backwoods town anyone would ever want to live in. Everyone in town hates each other, so much in fact that they take to torturing and murdering each other’s female clan members, just to get even. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but when trying to get even that way, doesn’t one murder just lead to another? Also, wouldn’t it seem they would eventually run out of female clan members? Which brings us to the defunct ATF officers who couldn’t seem to solve a crime if it happened right in front of them. Well, maybe I’m not being fair, if I worked the law there I would just sit back and let the deviants kill each other off as well.

So, you ask, what exactly is a header? Well, it seems these folks really, really, REALLY hate each other. So, they thought of the most evil way to defile their victims. With a hole-carving tool, they must use this tool to avoid sharp edges, they cut a hole in the top of the victim’s head, while they are still alive in most cases, then have sex with it. Eeeeew, eeeww, eeeeeeeeeeeeewww!!!! Now do you see my point, an actual person thought this up. The first header happens about five minutes into the film, a toothless grandpappy is goading his grandson on. He’s laughing and enjoying the experience while the big lunk pumps away. There are some things you just can’t unsee, that’s all I have to say about that.